House of Sand and Fog

I'm not going to write about this movie. It's fairly old and I read the book and after that feast of depression I wasn't going to put myself through the film. It was just on television today and reminded me of how terrible life can be and that I shouldn't complain about anything in my own life. The cool thing about the book is that both characters (the colonel and Kathy) have their flaws and both are really just doing their best, so you don't like them but you don't hate them either and you certainly can't pick sides. I wanted to stay on Kathy's side since it was her house and she really just was in a bad situation from the get go, but she didn't really do much to fix herself or her situation. But what is personal accountability worth these days? The world is instant gratification and selfishness. I am entering my fifth month of no work and all mommy-time. I'm doing better than I did after my first, mentally, much worse physically. I still don't fit in my regular clothing. My body just doesn't want to return to it's upright position. My back is killing me from carrying around all the extra weight and I can't even so much as go for a walk with my baby because she just screams her head off. If I lived on an empty street, fine, I can deal with her crying, but the looks I get from the neighbors (a lot of stay-at-home moms on the street) it a bit much. I could carry her but the wind on the hill where I live takes her breath away and gets into her ears and honestly hurts my back a lot more than pushing a stroller. So I try to do inside stuff, walk in circles, dance, clean, but it's not really helping. I hope I can get her to like walks over the summer, maybe she's just too cold. I really miss work. It was by far my favorite thing and that it's not even an option anymore depresses me. I keep hoping something will change on its own, I guess I'm a bit like Kathy that way, but I have to realize it won't. Still, it's hard to motivate myself to get out there and really sell myself to other schools when part of me doesn't want to leave my kid, I can't fit into anything that looks even remotely presentable, and I have zero time in which to job hunt. I wanted to paint the bathroom this week and honestly you'd think I was building a rocket ship with how difficult it has been. Try to paint a room five minutes at a time, see how far you get, how frustrated you get. I spend more time cleaning out brushes then I do painting. And I have to keep the door shut to keep the fumes from getting to the girls so I get massive headaches in a matter of minutes. It's no good. My old boss used to tell me I had a volcanic personality. He said he could tell when I was getting close to erupting and the days that followed an eruption. I can't say he's wrong. I do start to feel upset, shaky almost, when I've been letting things slide for too long, not standing up for myself, trying not to think about something that bothers me. And when I do let go it comes out all at once and my poor husband is usually the only one in the room (victim). I just wish there was a way for me to deal with things as they happened rather than let it all build up. Anyway I said all that to say this: I am feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, unhappy, and stressed even though very little in my life is bad in anyway. It makes me think I will always be this way, thinking it could be better, thinking I have it bad, instead of seeing the bright side of anything.