Peep World

Yeah, that movie is no good. Skip it. It's just the most recent thing I've seen, except Cinderella which I watched this morning, but do we really need a recap of Cinderella? I'm dealing with a lot of things. I guess so is everyone. For some reason I had a harder time with Klebold and Harris than I am now. Maybe because with them it was plotted and they took their time. Or maybe it was because I was their age, still in high school, and it felt close. But one could argue that now I'm a parent, and my kid is in elementary school and isn't that even closer? Maybe it was because part of me could empathize with K&H and no part of me can even begin to understand this man who killed basically babies. And I'm still kind of reeling from that baby dying at the zoo. I read a letter written by a Rabbi about the zoo incident and he said that when things like this happen we often don't understand how God could allow it and he said that God has no part in it. In a way that's a little bit of a cop out, but for someone like me who genuinely feels God has no part in most things if not everything I guess it makes sense. We want someone or something to blame for the bad in the world, but what if the bad and the good weren't really as black and white as we think? What if it isn't bad to follow through on the insanity in your brain like the man who went into the building where I used to work and shot up the lobby, killing the one surviving child of a couple who live half a mile from me. Maybe it's just a random act, and random can't be evil can it? And if good deeds are plotted and shared and bragged about doesn't that make them just a little bit bad? I'm anti killing anything. I could bring myself to understand a mercy killing, like when animals are suffering and it just makes sense to help them go faster, but I could never do it myself. I have had to say it was okay to kill dying hamsters before and it still haunts me. I held a guinea pig as it took it's last breath, but people, I can't imagine. And I'm very anti-gun. Once my father-in-law took out his gun to, I don't even remember why, show me? And I had to leave the room, I felt physically ill. I wanted to leave the house but I figured I couldn't explain myself if I had. I had a panic attack just being near one. Those things that can't be unseen or unremembered. I live in constant fear of my children dying. I have night terrors and that's just me on a normal-things-are-safe day. But when I heard about what had happened on Friday it didn't phase me. I wasn't the least bit afraid that my daughters were at school. And I guess that in itself scares me. That when I actually, maybe had a reason to be freaked out I wasn't. And oddly enough I just want it to go away. I don't want to hear about it anymore. I don't want to read about the teachers or the kids or the man or any of it. I want the news to move on in the way it often does. Maybe I want to pretend it never happened. When the zoo incident happened I read everything I could find and watched the news over and over and thought, man that could have been me. I had nightmares where it was me. But this, I'm just so completely detached. Is it shock? Is it some kind of self-preservation mechanism? It doesn't feel like it. I made cookies today, I watched Cinderella with my daughter, I went grocery shopping and wrapped Christmas presents. My life was so utterly normal and these parents, so very many of them, are just destroyed forever and I feel...nothing.