Your Ex-Lover is Dead

Okay, yes, that is a song title and not a movie. It's a song that has taken on meaning in my life that I can't really explain here. At this moment in my life I am feeling a little (okay maybe a lot) bipolar about life. I have moments where I can see the possibilities that await me if I just let go of everything holding me back, if I take that leap I so desperately want to take. Then I have moments where I see the value in the life I've spent so long creating. My marriage, my children, my "things" that hold meaning and memory. I've had two really low moments, one at my mother's house and another at my own where I honestly felt like suicide was my only option. I could feel the panic rise in my chest and though I hardly cry anymore I was sobbing in seconds. It makes me feel incredibly selfish. My whole life up until this moment has always been selfish but now I am taking it to a whole other level. I am trying to live my life for me, despite having a husband despite having children and it's just one of those things you "can't" do. Everyone that I know hates me. Everyone thinks I am the worst person alive for what I am putting my family (the one I created) through. And yes, I am capable of understanding that I am doing a shitty thing. But at least there is hope in my life for the first time in years. It's fleeting and it's barely a spec on the radar but occasionally I see it and it fills me with joy. That perhaps there will be an end, that perhaps this life will get better for me eventually, somehow. And everyone keeps asking what I want, what do I want from all this, how do I feel. All I can say is right now, as things are, I am incredibly unhappy. I feel like I am being smothered by this life and I can't breathe most days. It's no ones fault but my own. So do I continue to gasp for air when I can and survive as things are or do I fight and claw and dig, hurting almost everyone I know so that I can stand in a wide open space and take a deep breath?